I’ve always had trouble expressing myself. I don’t really know why, I just do. I tend to keep my thoughts to myself and not act upon anything.
Don’t get me wrong, I would sometimes share my opinions or do something about a situation but only when I am sure that I will get a positive reaction out of someone. If not, I would just stay silent instead of contributing to the conversation.
The weird thing is that even if I do have good intentions like carrying a heavy bag for an old lady or letting other people sit in public transportation for some reason I would get… embarrassed or shy? I don’t really know why. Because of this, I would avoid helping altogether.
Of course I know that they would most likely appreciate the kind gesture but somehow I would imagine them shunning me away since I am a stranger after all. I want to help, I really do but I don’t want to involve myself in other people’s business if they don’t want me to.
I have helped other people before but only those times when I acted without thinking much about it and I would feel pretty good about it afterward. Even then, I would still think too much into such things as soon as a similar situation arises.
There were also times when I can sense that my friends or family members are going through something. I knew that they wanted to talk about such things or that they needed comfort, and I did want to show them that I cared. But for some reason, I just couldn’t show express my concern. I would just pretend that I didn’t notice it instead.
There are even times when my friends or family ask me if I want something or if I wanted to do something. Even if I do, I would say that I didn’t know and let them decide. Then, I’d just learn to accept what they have decided for me.
I honestly don’t know why I do this. Maybe it’s because I have gotten used to letting people decide for me and keeping to myself. But now that I am in my first few phases of adulthood, I still couldn’t quite comprehend the idea that it is completely up to me to decide for myself and be my own person.
Don’t worry, I am actively trying to work on this. It really isn’t as bad as I probably made it seem. I have expressed myself lots of times. I guess I’m just not as consistent as I should be.. yet.
I’m trying to work on my decision-making skills in the small-scale first, like immediately choosing where and what to eat. I sometimes volunteer to drive too because I’ve been wanting to learn and to not be as afraid as the last time. When my family are talking about politics, I would express my opinion on the latest news too, and sometimes admit that I don’t have enough knowledge on some topics and ask about it.
I know this all may seem typical but it’s actually helping me a lot. Though I’ll have to admit, I still need a lot of work.
Anyway, thanks for reading! Have you had any similar experiences like this? Do you have any advice for me? It would be nice to know.