When I was younger I had such strong faith in my beliefs. I grew up Christian and I went to a Catholic school throughout my entire education. I went to church every Sunday and I made sure to pray just how it was taught to me.
I don’t know what went wrong but for some reason I find myself losing faith in God.
I was so confident in my relationship with God. Whenever I prayed I genuinely believed that he would grant such wishes to me, and most of them did. While some didn’t work out the way I expected it to be, I knew in my heart that it led me to a better path.
But now, I don’t see much power in prayer anymore. It started when I stopped going to church for awhile because I was so busy with school but I still kept praying fervently. Eventually, I started seeing prayer as a chore and I began to do it half-heartedly.
I don’t necessarily reject the existence of God. I know He’s there but I just feel so disconnected towards Him. I feel like he stopped listening to me and it left me discouraged. But then again, I stopped listening to Him first.
I am perfectly aware of my own faults. Of course, I want to be reconnected with Him again but I don’t know how. Seeds of doubt have started to grow within me and I can’t seem to pluck them out of its hidden roots.
Things are even getting worse with the Covid-19 situation and my long-time unemployment, I just feel like i’m slowly losing hope.
My aunt keeps asking me to pray the rosary with her every night and I can’t help but feeling annoyed. I didn’t use to be like this. I think it stems from the growing pessimistic belief within me asking “what’s the point? It’s not like it’s going to happen anyway.” I end up praying with such a bad attitude because I feel like it is forced upon me to do so, and it frustrates me because I know that I cannot mend my relationship with God in this way.
I swear that I don’t want to think and feel this way. I just do. I still pray by myself every night but I sometimes feel like I do it out of habit.
I want to pray earnestly and with all my heart like I used to. I miss believing in God’s decision for me and being confident in whatever happens because I know that He is there for me. I want to go back to the times where I was spiritually strong and I felt like I could conquer whatever it was right in front of me with God by my side.
I don’t know how to get back to it. I lost my touch.
I tried reading this book about strengthening my spirituality and I confided to my Christian friend about faith but so far all that I’ve read and heard seems like.. bullshit, frankly.
I don’t know if this has something to do with being influenced by people I met in in university with different religions and beliefs; if it’s because I haven’t went to church for a long time, or just that I simply stopped caring. I just feel so lost.
Is there still a way for a hopeless person to learn about faith? How does one do that without any substantial proof/reason?
(Post written last August 2, 2020)