I’m going to be 21 soon and I don’t think that it’s sinking in yet. I think this has always been what I felt about my birthday. I never really felt excited to celebrate it.
To give you a little bit of background as to why I feel this way, well, long story short my mom died the night before my birthday.
So instead of talking about my birth, i’ll be talking about death. I don’t mean to make this very depressing at the very start but that’s just how life is. You feel pain, then numbness until you just learn to accept the fact that shit happens, and eventually.. you move on.
Don’t worry, this isn’t gonna be as sad as you’re expecting it to be. Anyway, here it goes.
Everything happens for a reason
When my mom died, I think this was the first time that I heard this saying. It was something that I never really understood. I mean, what could possibly be a good reason as to why God decided to take my mom away from me?
Not that I blamed God for what happened, I just wanted to know why. It took awhile but as I grew up, I think I’ve started to come up with the answers on my own.
Now looking back at my younger self, I realized that I’ve changed a lot since then. I started doing well in school, I made really good friends, and I tried a lot of things. I’ve matured at a young age and I did everything I could to better myself because I knew that it was something my mom would’ve wanted.
Maybe that was the reason but I wasn’t entirely convinced. I still couldn’t help but ask myself if her death was really necessary for me to become the person that I am today.
Years later, I found an old journal that my mom gave me to write on. She has always been the type to write about her thoughts and emotions too.
I’ve written many entries inside that journal but when I opened it randomly, I saw that she has written something in it. She wrote lots of advice for me and weirdly enough, she wrote about death too. I’ll just rewrite it in the way that I remember it.
The thing about death is that most people think of it as such a bad thing. People frown upon the thought of death and avoid it entirely because of the emotions related to it.
But if you really think about it, death in itself is not necessarily a bad thing. If anything, death is necessary in life.
Because it is in the acknowledgement of death that you learn how to live your life. It is the thought of having only a certain number of days to live that makes you want to make the most of it.
Can you imagine not having death? People will lead meaningless lives because there is nothing to lose. Much like the people who disregard the thought of death, they spend their days mindlessly which is entirely wasteful.
But if you had something to lose, you learn to make every single day, hour, minute and second precious because you’ll never know when it will all be over.
I think it’s good to keep the thought of death in the back of our heads because it is a reminder for us to live our lives with no regrets.
Her words were everything that I needed to hear.
Upon reflecting on this, I have come to accept that her death really changed my life and how I viewed and valued it. I sometimes wish that it didn’t have to take her death for me to learn this lesson but I guess this is the part where you realize that everything really does happen for a reason.
I don’t particularly get excited over my birthday anymore. It’s not that it’s depressing or sad, I just don’t feel like it’s special anymore the way that kids usually do. I think it just has something to with growing up and being an adult.
My family usually plans a simple celebration for me and I’m very grateful. I think now as I grow older, I’m starting to realize that birthdays are more than just parties and gifts. It’s a genuine celebration and appreciation of life.