I have always been scared of love. The thought of loving someone so deeply and have it not be reciprocated the same way is terrifying, that’s why I built this wall around me. I didn’t want to love someone more than what they could give me because I felt like I was losing. After all, didn’t they say that love is a game?
I have this dear friend who I never understood until today. He’s the type of person who loved everyone fiercely and deeply even if they didn’t deserve it. And because of this, he got disappointed and heart broken plenty of times, even by me on some occasions, but he’d always had the heart to forgive no matter what people did to him. Admittedly, I kind of hated this trait of his until I realized that it’s because we’re alike in some ways.
As our relationship grew, Our friendship dynamic would be him always ending up hurt and I getting mad that he got himself hurt for giving awful people second chances. I remember angrily asking him why he kept doing it and he’d respond with “I can’t help it. I just have a lot of love in me that I give to people”. And as much as I loved him, I’ve always thought that it was a stupid thing to do.
However, There was also a time when I got myself hurt and disappointed by somebody. My friend being the expert in this kind of situation, I decided to confide in him and what he told me as an attempt to comfort me was this,
“I just learned to accept that I will always love people more than they love me and that’s okay.”
I remember thinking how sad and unfortunate that must be and how I never wanted to be like that ever. From then on, I decided to not love someone who doesn’t love me, as if I had a choice in the matter.
Recently, I’ve come to live with my father due to difficult circumstances. The relationship that I have with him is a complicated one. To put it simply, he never assumed the responsibility of a father, only its title. I knew that living with him was a bad idea since it wasn’t the first time that I got disappointed by him yet I still gave it a shot. Despite my brother’s warnings and my aunt’s worries, I still decided to go.
Why? Well he’s my dad after all.. right? There must’ve been a part of him that wanted to care for me or wanted me around. I must find out for myself.
I was wrong. I knew I was going to be disappointed but I went and gave him a chance anyway. I gave my father a chance he didn’t deserve, a chance he didn’t earn but I still gave it to him because I love him. I have never felt so stupid, enraged and regretful in my entire life. I was angry at myself for doing something that I got mad at my friend for doing. I didn’t understand what made me give him another chance. Everything was a big W-H-Y?!
After pondering on this for quite some time, I think I’m starting to understand more of what love is. Loving someone isn’t something that you choose to do, you just do. You love them despite of what they were and what they are, and you love them more for what they can be. After all, we are only imperfect people. And when you love someone, It is only natural to hope for them and expect the best from them because that’s just what love is.
Eventually, I have learned to forgive myself for “being stupid” enough for giving my dad a chance because why should I be sorry for loving someone? It just didn’t seem right, especially when love is something that we all live for. And that’s when I decided that loving someone isn’t a bad thing at all, whether I loved them more or not.
Sure, it can be sad and unfortunate but it takes a lot of strength, courage and maturity to love someone fiercely despite the odds. Even if I didn’t get it back the same way that I gave it or even if I didn’t get anything in return, I am glad that I did it.
I did what I can do as a person, and that is to share the love that I can give. And now that I know that it’s the other person’s choice on what they’re going to do with the love and the chances that they get. Whatever they choose to do with it, it’s not on me, it’s on them.
I think I understand my friend a little better now, and i’m so lucky to have a kind hearted person like him.
Hi! I just want to share that the photo featured in this post is of my friend and I. He is the kind-hearted person that taught me a lot of things throughout our friendship. I hope you all have a great friend like him as well. Here are more pictures of us: We’re cute, I know. haha
How about you guys? What have learned from your friends? or What have you learned about love recently? I would love to hear from you.