We are all different kinds of people in the eyes of others. In my case, I am a good daughter when i’m with my family, a funny and outgoing person in front of my old friends, a reserved and scary person in my organization, a shy student in the classroom, the list goes on. My whole being is a collection of personas, one which I, myself, find very difficult to comprehend. It’s almost as if it was a game of shuffled cards that when I face with a new stranger, they’ll never know what they’re gonna get. Nice, bitch, shy, tough. Heck, even I don’t know what’s gonna come out.
For years, I’ve always wanted to become an actress on stage, to experience the fulfillment of facing an entire crowd with a character that is still a part of my own but at the same time, an entirely different person. I loved it so much that I unknowingly begun to stage myself in my own life. I am a machine programmed to act accordingly to how it was directed. And just like all machines, it stopped working. My relationships remained stagnant, It didn’t fall apart but it never grew either.
I am in a stand-still.
My insides started breaking down from unhappiness until I forgot how to function in the way that I actually wanted. Nice? bitch? shy? tough? I easily decide which part of myself should I show to the next person but when i’m alone with myself, I don’t know who to become. Who am I really? It’s easy to hide behind a mask but taking it off is another story. It’s the hardest thing.