A New Milestone

I have been busy spending time with my family this week that’s why I haven’t had the chance to post. I felt so guilty for not pushing through with the promise I made with myself about posting consistently, but when I logged in I was surprised to see a notification which says:

I GOT 100 LIKES ON MY BLOG THIS IS SO AMAZING!

This might not be a big deal to some of you guys but it is to me. You see, I’ve always had a love and hate relationship with writing. During my college years, the people around me have acknowledged my knack for writing. And because of this, they made me the writer in all of our class projects. From TV and film scripts to technical and copy writing, I did it all.

As much as I loved writing, I felt like I was being forced to do it because it seems like it was the only thing i’m good at. Being in college, I really wanted to try new things and explore what I can do, and not just be stuck to doing one thing – not that there’s anything wrong with it, I just didn’t want it for me at the time.

The more I kept writing, the more I felt like I was being locked in this one box that I didn’t want to be stuck in, and that feeling resonated with my outputs. That’s why I decided that I “hated” writing, I stopped.

After college, I found myself alone with my thoughts plenty of times, and that’s when I started reading and writing again. I figured, I just had to share these reflections and stories that I have. I needed an outlet. That’s when I remembered this blog that I regretfully abandoned. So I got up from my bed, I revamped my theme and started scribbling again!

It was then that I realized that I should be writing for myself first before anyone else. I have always loved writing but I’ve been doing it for all the wrong reasons. I kept writing things that I wasn’t passionate about. But now, I think i’m slowly easing in to writing what I really want. It’s been a month and I was able to publish 9 posts (this one included). And I am very much happy that I found my way back to writing.

Knowing that my writing was liked 100 times by people who took the time to read it, has made me even more motivated and grateful. This means a lot coming from someone who started writing and blogging again! So Reader, thank you so much for sticking around with me. I hope I’ll be able to improve my writing and share more things with you as I go along with my journey!

If You’re Not Outraged, You Are Misinformed

The coronavirus pandemic has cut a number people from their livelihoods leaving them all dependent on what the government provides. And at last, the people are slowly seeing the handwritings on the wall pointing to the incompetency of the Philippine government. However, we still have a long way to go as there are still loyal followers of the Duterte administration who are greatly misinformed, and continuously spreading fake news and false beliefs.

If you’re one of these people, I urge to read this article first to understand the impact of the coronavirus on the middle and lower class sector of the Philippines. If not, then I hope you READ THIS ENTIRE ARTICLE before you come at me with your torches and pitchforks!

“Puro nalang kayo reklamo!”

It’s been days since the president has been granted special powers to address the health crisis, yet we still have to hear the plans for the Php 275 BILLION that came from the taxes of over 109 million Filipinos, you included. People are starving and the hospitals are lacking medical supplies to fight against the pandemic. People are dying even when they don’t have to be if only the Php 275 Billion was immediately and rightfully used.

If the people are not receiving relief goods and kits from the government, then where is this huge amount of money going? The hard earned money that you and your parents have worked for that’s being deducted from everyone’s salaries each month, instead of going to the feed the mouths of the poor, shelter the homeless and heal the dangered lives of the people, it may have been placed to the pockets of corrupt officials that you are defending.

Assuming that there are still no plans for the Php 275 Billion until today, then why was the president even granted these special powers if there was no initial concrete plan? This shows greed and incompetency. Assuming that the government is already “silently” using the money without the public’s knowledge, then this shows lack of transparency. If they’re using the money for good, why would they choose to hide it?

A Php 275 Billion budget and this is the only thing that they can manage to give? Can you honestly say that a family can be nourished and well fed by this alone? And these government leaders still have the audacity to put their names on these pathetic relief goods to campaign as if we should be thankful when the people should be receiving much more than this.

“Ano ba ang ambag mo sa bayan?”

We all pay our taxes. Where do you think the government got the Php 275 Billion? Instead of looking forward to the equal distribution of goods, People are now relying on the donations by their fellow Filipinos instead of the government. As much as I love and admire the bayanihan of our fellowmen, it is only a matter of time before we all exhaust each other’s limited resources.

We need the proper allocation of funds! That money is supposed to be used to sustain the lives of each and every Filipino especially in the face of a pandemic. Where is it now? This is the time to question the government! It is time to seek for transparency rather than simply having faith that the government is doing unseen actions. Because if not, how will we know? How would you know that the government is doing something when they are not honest with the expenditures of the budget? Only trust government officials who have actual proof and have showcased their service.

The only way to question the government is if you speak about it. That’s what we’re trying to do here. Silence and simply “following through” orders will never solve anything. Do you think our national hero attained independence by staying silent? His death itself taught us about nationalism which means loyalty and devotion to the nation, not to the president.

“Where are we going to get our food when you arrested our husbands? Nowhere? They’re our only hope to provide food for our family. You don’t have the right to arrest them!”

These people went out of their homes to ask for food from the local government. If the relief goods reached to them or if it were enough for their families, would they still go outside and beg for food? No. Did they want to go outside and get arrested? Of course not! But where else are they going to get food that they can feed their families with? How will they be heard and their conditions be seen if they let themselves sit silently and starve to death inside their homes? If we don’t speak about it, who will?

“Edi ikaw na ang maging presidente!”

The issue at hand here is not who should be the president, rather what the president should be doing. But since you guys brought it up, I sure as hell would’ve enacted an immediate travel ban, overseen the equal distribution of goods, resourced enough medical supplies for the health workers, implemented mass testing, focused on medical solutions rather than military actions, and I definitely wouldn’t have threaten killing ANY of my constituents. But then again, that’s just me.

Anyway, Sure, the president may have been doing something (whatever that is) but his lack of urgency has turned his citizens into beggars who risk their lives going to local governments to ask for food, yet the president reduces his people’s plea as an attempt to start ruckus, threatens to shoot them for having no choice but to disobey quarantine protocols and imprisoning breadwinners claiming that they should feed themselves if ever detained. HOW?!

Instead of helping his citizens and providing immediate relief goods, the president chooses to shoot hungry civilians who demand just and equal distribution of goods.

Criticizing the government comes from the intention of wanting something better simply because we deserve better. Satisfaction from the bare minimum and having blind faith on leaders who have a history of incompetency, will not do anything. The moment he decided to carry on the name of the president, was the moment he took on the responsibility for the lives of every Filipino. Therefore, there should be accountability for every lives lost under his pathetic administration.

“Masyado kayong nega!”

The reality is, us Filipinos, have been used to a low standard of public service. That is why being given the bare minimum seems such a huge deal, that we should be grateful to be given receive anything at all from our public officials. When in reality, we should be receiving so much more than Php 250 worth of goods and overpriced healthcare. After all, People who work for the government are called “Public Servants” because it is their duty to serve the nation. They are not Gods to be idolized.

By saying that we should be “grateful” with the bare minimum, not only are you enabling an unjust system, but you’re also reducing your worth as a citizen of this country. “Thinking positively” is an idealistic way of thinking that accomplishes nothing, and a privilege that is only available for those who can afford to be ignorant. If you’re put in a position where you and your family have absolutely nothing to eat or that you work 16-hour shifts risking your life at the hospital for only Php 500, are you certain you’d still be able to see the brighter side?

The only thing that people are clinging on to is hope, hoping for the kindness of our neighbors and the service of decent public officials. But even this is discouraged by repressors who are threatened by real and urgent public service because it raises the standards that we have grown accustomed to, igniting our desire to be treated rightfully. It goes to show that even in the face of a pandemic, crab mentality still prevails among these corrupt officials.

This is not about being a “leftist” or whatever labels because at the end of the day, all of us are affected by the pandemic, all of us are made a fool and left to fend for ourselves. We are all victims of this unfortunate circumstance but the reality is, things would’ve been different if our leaders urgently decided to choose the best interest of the nation.

This is about standing with your fellowmen and being compassionate with the pains of each Filipino that we are outraged by the unequal treatment for ourselves and for our neighbor, and collectively demanding the service that the nation deserves. We are educated by our parents to think critically, not to simply rely on basic reading comprehension. Lastly, this country wasn’t built upon the blood, sweat and tears of our ancestors, only for its youth to be a follower of a dictator. Remember:

Ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan.

Jose Rizal

Credits to the owner of the featured image: One Mapúa on facebook

Ways To Take Care Of Yourself While In Quarantine

Social distancing has definitely left us to deal with our own thoughts which can be a very scary thing, not to mention being surrounded by negativity from the news about the pandemic has definitely took a toll on all of us.

As much as we try to keep myself updated with recent happenings, It is also important to make ways to keep our mind off of things and to really try and take care of ourselves especially at a time where health is crucial. I figured, if i’m going to be quarantined for a long time, I might as well be with myself in peace and try to make some progress while at it. Here are my ways to self-care if you’re looking for ways to do so:

Diet and Exercise

I actually started working out and eating right by setting a healthy goal. For me, the main motivation and goal for starting a fitness journey should come from the desire to feel stronger, healthier and more confident. As much as losing weight and gaining physical results are good goals, it’s best to only consider it as by-products of consistent exercising.

The truth is, we all have different bodies that are beautiful in its own way. Doing a certain exercise or diet that worked for somebody else may not necessarily work for you or results may come harder for you. Rather than obsessing over the number in the scale, do the exercise and eat healthier food because it makes you feel good. Do it because it’s a way that you show yourself how much you love and care for your own health.

Sure, it will be hard at first but as long as you do it consistently, you’ll slowly notice the slight changes in your strength, stamina, and endurance that will excite you. And honestly, what’s better than getting physical results is gaining a sense of control and accomplishment from having the discipline to push through with a commitment you made with yourself.

What I love about this is that, whenever I have times where I feel helpless from losing control of my life and everything around me, I can always have the option of being in control of my body, on how I nourish it and how I care for it, and this always pulls me out from my negativity.

There are lots of free workout programs online that can be easily found on Youtube so I highly encourage you to do some of the home work out programs while in quarantine! My personal favorites would be YogaWithAdriene and Chloe Ting’s Workout Programs!

YogaWithAdriene has multiple playlists of 30 days of Yoga videos that you can choose from! What I like about her videos is that she gives variations of positions that is suitable for all levels of difficulty. Her videos are all about relaxation and finding what feels good for you but can also work up a sweat! Oh and her dog, Benji, is just so cute!
Chloe Ting gives free exercise programs on her website that can be viewed on Youtube. Her exercises are a little more difficult and challenging but she also gives a variation of low impact exercises suited for beginners. She has multiple workout videos tackling certain areas of the body as well if that’s something that you are looking for.

Read Self-Help Books

It’s inevitable to be faced with your thoughts especially when we’re all in quarantine. So I decided that rather than avoiding my own thoughts, why not work through them and self reflect. Recently, I’ve found myself reading You Are A Badass By Jen Sincero which I would recommend for all of you to read.

If you’re an negative over-thinker like me, then reading self-help books can be a game changer. This is because self-help books give readers different perspectives and presents a new way of thinking which you can formulate mental techniques out of. This gives you a better understanding about life, people, or whatever topics you are in need of improvement.

Having mental strength in life is everything. You may be skilled and talented but if you fail to have the courage to take on challenges or if you don’t know how to work smart, then all would be wasted potential. Take this time to develop your character and broaden your knowledge!

My friends and I compiled a number of self-help books to read together, If you’re interested to join us then click here! It’s all free and can be easily downloaded.

Pray and Meditate

Growing up christian, I’ve always made it a habit of prayer. With everything going on with our world today, it can be taxing to internalize all of the negativity that is surrounding us. This is where praying can be beneficial because it is through prayer that we can release this negative energy by surrendering it to a higher power, and reconnect to the chain of positivity that grounds us back to a state of grace and thanksgiving.

I believe that the magical power of prayer is its ability to create faith that bears hope. And it is through these elements that we find something to look forward to that gives us the strength to keep moving forward no matter what.

Meditation is also another great way to put hearts and mind at ease. Although admittedly, I should be doing it more than I could. Meditation is another way of letting yourself pause and reconnect to the source energy by emptying the mind and welcoming peacefulness and positivity.

Remember, the mind can only take so much at a time. Before things can get overwhelming, breathe in and out, and relax your mind.

Watch Your Media Consumption

All of our timelines are inevitably filled with depressing news about the impact of the pandemic. As much as it is good to be updated, consistently consuming bad news may greatly impact our mental health. The best thing to do is find the proper balance of media consumption. And by this I mean, consuming media content that will contradict the negativity.

Personally, after making myself aware of the latest updates, I make sure to watch sitcoms that will lift my spirits up and make me laugh (I’m watching Friends, if you’re wondering). If it is escapism that will brighten your mood, then consume media that will perk up the droopy atmosphere.

However, It is important to acknowledge the privilege to be able to comfort ourselves by entertainment that is available inside our homes. But as long us we stay alert, grateful and compassionate, and we do our best to obediently follow health protocols, then we’re already doing our part as normal citizens to flatten the curve.


Hi Reader! How are you? Have you been taking care of yourself lately? Please try and reach out if you need someone to talk to. I hope you make an effort to take care of yourself with these tips that I’ve shared and I wish for your health and safety. Good luck!

Love,
Fenichi

Post-College Quarantine

Being a 20 yr old fresh college graduate has given me a lot to think about lately . The thing is, while you’re in college, we are all faced with one goal and that is to graduate. No one really tells you about the life after, aside from the basic knowledge about how “the real world is a scary place”, but that’s about it.

When you’re in college, everything is fast paced. Passing classes, dating and making friends is the only thing that matters until you get to that day where you step on stage just to get a piece of paper. We all struggle everyday willingly because we know that there’s an end, reward, goal, (or whatever you want to call it) at the end of the tunnel.

No one told me about having low self-esteem from unsuccessful job hunt attempts, and losing a sense of purpose from simply sitting around and waiting for an email. I wasn’t prepared to make life-altering decisions, or the fact that I have all the time in the world in my hands to make use of yet feeling like i’m being left behind.

Things have gotten even harder because of the corona virus pandemic. People are locked inside their homes and the streets are apocalyptic. The whole world is in a stand-still. Just when I gathered the courage to go to job interviews, it became impossible to get hired now, considering recruitment will be the last thing companies are thinking about during a pandemic.

The truth is, I’ve been way ahead of the quarantine. Being stuck inside the house for months from searching the web for jobs will surely isolate you from the world. But now, my usual unsettling feeling is amplified by my worries from all of the news that I’ve been hearing everyday. From the rising number of fatalities and at risk front liners to unjust government officials and suffering underprivileged citizens, it’s like all signs of hope is lost.

I can’t help but think about the future. When will this end? Will it be like this for months? What will happen after the pandemic? I’m getting tired feeling constantly worried and angry everyday. I’m so lost. Hopefully, years from now, when I look back at this post, I’ll be in a better place and all will be well with the world. For now, all I can do is have faith.

How about you, Reader? How are you doing? What thoughts and emotions have passed through your mind while in quarantine? I want to know. I hope you’re safe and well.

Love,
Fenichi

Check Your Privilege: Know About The Impact of Coronavirus In The Philippines

I’ll have to confess that i’m not really one to constantly monitor the news, and I don’t tend to voice out my political opinions until recently. No one ever expected to witness a history textbook content type of disaster to actually happen in real life, especially the Philippine government.

What enrages me even more is the fact that there are still supporters of the manner of mishandling the national crisis, a group of people who blindly trusts the Duterte administration, as well as the apathetic upper class who refuses to believe that this issue doesn’t affect them all just because they don’t witness the repercussions directly.

These types of people are so out of touch with the community’s current state, choosing to live in ignorance inside a bubble of privilege that they can’t seem to get away from. If you’re one of these people or that you simply want to know what the Corona Virus pandemic is like in the Philippines, I hope you let me enlighten you.

No Work = No Pay

Not everyone has the luxury to work from home. What about the street vendors? contractual workers? jeepney drivers? A large portion of the working class relies on their day to day salary to get by. They need to work so that they can put food on the table for their families. One can’t simply blame them for going outside.

They don’t want to work but they have to. Having a choice of risk or safety is a luxury that’s only available for the rich. The only choice these people have in this pandemic is choosing between risking their health or dying from starvation.

Citizens waiting for public transportation to go to work resulting to disobedience in social distancing.

Lack of Testing Kits and Medical Supplies

Earlier this year, billions of pesos have been cut from the budget of the Department of Health. And when the virus came to the country, It was reported that there are only 2,000 testing kits available out of the rising cases of infected patients.

A number of these testing kits were used for government officials and their families who don’t have any travel history and symptoms, yet symptomatic patients and exposed health workers are left to wait for more testing kits and other medical supplies such as masks, even going as far as for public hospitals to ask monetary and mask donations from the community when it should be provided by the government in the first place.

The reality is that when less fortunate people are infected by the virus, they will be forced to either wait forever to be treated or wait for their looming death, whichever comes first. Meanwhile, a powerful and well connected family will always be front in line.

“I am so sick of the system”
“why?”
“I know a lot. I have access to data. I am so sick of these demon politicians. There are days where we stop testing for the PUIs to give way to so called ‘VIPs”

Military Solutions

For some reason, the President, thought that it was a good idea to strengthen military solutions instead of medical solutions in a time of pandemic. Because of the lockdown that he implemented, soldiers were appointed to various checkpoints to check the temperature of each individual going inside Manila for work, carrying guns instead of proper medical gear.

This not only causes public intimidation but it also puts working citizens and military personnel at risk of infection which does not in any way mitigate the situation.

Closing of Establishments and Public Transportation

Things has gotten even more difficult because of the sudden prevention of public transportation. To earn a living amidst the pandemic, people were seen walking for hours coming from their distant homes in order to hustle. Health workers and patients themselves do not know how to go to the hospitals and few desperate jeepney drivers who continued to provide transportation doubled their fees just to earn. This fueled panic buying among the masses failing to implement social distancing yet again.

If there is no transportation, how are people going to work? If people are not going to work, how are they going to earn money? If there’s no money, where are they going to get food? If health workers can’t go to hospitals who will heal the people?

Everything goes back to money. People need money and those who don’t have it will result to desperate acts to survive and no one has the right to blame someone for “not staying home” all because they want to live.

A health worker holds up a sign asking if they can hitchhike with passing cars

Vague Speeches and False Information

The people got even more paranoid when the virus started to spread and things started to get way out of proportion when trolls created fake news that was immediately eaten up by Viber chat titas and titos, and trickled down to family group chats. Even the President’s Spokesperson is a victim of this, claiming that bananas help in curing the corona virus to the press despite having no medical basis.

The citizens waited for a course of action from the government yet when the President was proclaimed to adress the crisis, he faced the press an hour or so late and rambled on and on about topics unrelated to the crisis, insisted the people to simply follow the social distancing instruction completely avoiding the issue of labor and poverty. No explanation regarding medical solutions or whatsoever. Spokesperson Panelo even said that “no one will die from a month of hunger”

Panelo: “No one will die from hunger. Just for one month, you won’t die”

People’s lives rely on effective relief solutions and actions. How will the government do that when our nation’s leaders themselves undermine the situation and fail to realize the needs of the masses? Just because you can change your news channels to Netflix from your smart TVs, does not mean that you should stay ignorant and apathetic about the pains of your fellowmen.

It’s no question that the pandemic has made the class divide apparent more than it has ever been. The other half is saying enough with the criticism towards the government and simply follow through instead. But what I want to say about this is, it is our duty and our right to criticize the government when we deem fit, especially when these public servants are providing sub par service that massively impacts the lives of the mid and lower class.

We should be outraged! We should demand accountability from our leaders who fail to do their duty. After all, this is what all of our taxes are for. You may be doing well and having enough for your own but still, wouldn’t you want for your taxes be put to good use? If you remain indifferent to the situation, it goes to show that you’re no different from these selfish politicians.

What I have observed among the people amidst the pandemic is the lack of compassion. Learn to empathize with the pains of your fellowmen. Every person who is suffering at this moment is someone’s child, someone’s parent, and someone’s dear friend. We are all a child of God, we are all one nation. Don’t turn a blind eye and be a voice for the people in need. Use your privilege for a good cause and be grateful for what you have.

At the end of the day, what will matter is not our riches but the love, kindness and compassion that we shared with others.

To end this on a good note, I want to give thanks and recognition to our front liners, the health workers, cashier and supermarket attendants, security guards, servers in the food industry, bank employees, and the police and military, for risking their lives just to provide us honorable service. I am amazed by all of you and I will keep praying for your safety.


Hi Reader! I started writing this a few days ago but I was suddenly contacted by a company that I applied for to do a writing exam so I was only able to publish this now. But anyway, it is a blessing and a privilege to have a home that will keep me safe from what is happening and I am grateful that you took the time to read this, if ever you’ve reached this point of this article. Credits to @ceegreeen14 who is the owner of the featured image.

How is quarantine doing for you? What’s it like in your country? I hope all of you are safe in your homes.

What Love Is

I have always been scared of love. The thought of loving someone so deeply and have it not be reciprocated the same way is terrifying, that’s why I built this wall around me. I didn’t want to love someone more than what they could give me because I felt like I was losing. After all, didn’t they say that love is a game?

I have this dear friend who I never understood until today. He’s the type of person who loved everyone fiercely and deeply even if they didn’t deserve it. And because of this, he got disappointed and heart broken plenty of times, even by me on some occasions, but he’d always had the heart to forgive no matter what people did to him. Admittedly, I kind of hated this trait of his until I realized that it’s because we’re alike in some ways.

As our relationship grew, Our friendship dynamic would be him always ending up hurt and I getting mad that he got himself hurt for giving awful people second chances. I remember angrily asking him why he kept doing it and he’d respond with “I can’t help it. I just have a lot of love in me that I give to people”. And as much as I loved him, I’ve always thought that it was a stupid thing to do.

However, There was also a time when I got myself hurt and disappointed by somebody. My friend being the expert in this kind of situation, I decided to confide in him and what he told me as an attempt to comfort me was this,

“I just learned to accept that I will always love people more than they love me and that’s okay.”

I remember thinking how sad and unfortunate that must be and how I never wanted to be like that ever. From then on, I decided to not love someone who doesn’t love me, as if I had a choice in the matter.

Recently, I’ve come to live with my father due to difficult circumstances. The relationship that I have with him is a complicated one. To put it simply, he never assumed the responsibility of a father, only its title. I knew that living with him was a bad idea since it wasn’t the first time that I got disappointed by him yet I still gave it a shot. Despite my brother’s warnings and my aunt’s worries, I still decided to go.

Why? Well he’s my dad after all.. right? There must’ve been a part of him that wanted to care for me or wanted me around. I must find out for myself.

I was wrong. I knew I was going to be disappointed but I went and gave him a chance anyway. I gave my father a chance he didn’t deserve, a chance he didn’t earn but I still gave it to him because I love him. I have never felt so stupid, enraged and regretful in my entire life. I was angry at myself for doing something that I got mad at my friend for doing. I didn’t understand what made me give him another chance. Everything was a big W-H-Y?!

After pondering on this for quite some time, I think I’m starting to understand more of what love is. Loving someone isn’t something that you choose to do, you just do. You love them despite of what they were and what they are, and you love them more for what they can be. After all, we are only imperfect people. And when you love someone, It is only natural to hope for them and expect the best from them because that’s just what love is.

Eventually, I have learned to forgive myself for “being stupid” enough for giving my dad a chance because why should I be sorry for loving someone? It just didn’t seem right, especially when love is something that we all live for. And that’s when I decided that loving someone isn’t a bad thing at all, whether I loved them more or not.

Sure, it can be sad and unfortunate but it takes a lot of strength, courage and maturity to love someone fiercely despite the odds. Even if I didn’t get it back the same way that I gave it or even if I didn’t get anything in return, I am glad that I did it.

I did what I can do as a person, and that is to share the love that I can give. And now that I know that it’s the other person’s choice on what they’re going to do with the love and the chances that they get. Whatever they choose to do with it, it’s not on me, it’s on them.

I think I understand my friend a little better now, and i’m so lucky to have a kind hearted person like him.


Hi! I just want to share that the photo featured in this post is of my friend and I. He is the kind-hearted person that taught me a lot of things throughout our friendship. I hope you all have a great friend like him as well. Here are more pictures of us: We’re cute, I know. haha

How about you guys? What have learned from your friends? or What have you learned about love recently? I would love to hear from you.

Sincerely,
Fenichi

A Fresh Start.

Hi there, Reader!

I decided to change my domain name from “fenichii” to thoughtsbyawallflower(.wordpress.com)

I’ve made this decision because I feel like it would a perfect way for me to start all over again. I stopped blogging for one year and now that I want to take it more seriously, I figured that I really needed a fresh start to do that.

I can’t wait to publish more posts under this new domain name! I hope I can gain your support.

The In-Between

I am in between possibilities and opportunities 
a coward for risks,
sense of safety for the known
discontentment for what is handed
and pleasured by the earned
I am in between passion and obligation, 
a desire for struggle
bartering fulfilled dreams
or a duty of practicality,
an accomplishment of what must be
I am in a stand-still 
A state of confusion,  
A refusal of choice 
an inability to move forward 
powerless in being my own
I am left behind 
as I let time fly by
wallowing in my own indecisiveness
deaf from counsel
yet I listen to the whispers of worry
keeping me up at night
where I lay arrested in darkness
whilst my mind race through
a constant loop of infinite contingencies
bringing me back to the same place I could not escape
I am in a state of purgatory 
waiting for prayers to guide they way
incapable of acknowledging the responsibility
of decisions only I can make
and what I can be

How to See the Bright Side

One thing that I’ve always hated about myself was how sensitive I am. I mean, I don’t cry about everything. I prefer to describe it as having low threshold in withholding emotional pain, and once I feel my eyes water there’s no stopping the floodgates from flowing.

If you’re an overthinker like me then chances are you’re also one to play the same embarrassing scenarios in your head with what you could’ve done in that situation or what the other person thought about that interaction.

In a similar way, when something bad happens i’d play it on my mind again and again. I subconsciously made it a habit to think about how sad my situation was, how it turned to be like that, and what’s going to happen if it continued.

It was a toxic cycle of continuously feeding the negativity as if it was an addiction. It’s almost as if it was a game of trying to find reasons to be sad about, a game that I was fairly good at.

“Oh look at me, i’m so sad. I wish I wasn’t sad but there’s nothing I can do to change what’s happening in my life and it’s so fucking sad. The fact that i’m sad makes me even more sad because I shouldn’t be sad, but I am.”

I can’t even tell you the amount of times I’ve cried in public because of feeling even more bad about myself for having everyone to witness my breakdowns and not being able to stop crying, but I digress.

Being sad from the thought of being sad is that one fucked up subconscious thought that I decided to give up. This is because once I get trapped in that depressing spiral It’s hard to come back from having a healthy and positive mindset.

I once read in a self help book that we have power over what we think and reading that was mind blowing for me. Someone actually thinks that I can control how I think or feel? I was skeptical by the bold statement until I get to experience it myself.

I used to stop myself from crying by focusing on my breathing and reciting the color of the first object that I’d see, as an attempt to keep my mind off of things. It would work for a minute or two until I would bring myself back into the loop of sadness by thinking about it again (i’m telling you, it’s a game i’m REALLY good at)

What I’ve learned from reading self help books was thought redirection which basically means, changing the way I think. Now, after reading a number of self help books and hearing this from countless podcasts, I think I’ve finally figured out what it means and how it works.

The reason why I easily think of such negative thoughts is because I’ve gotten used to it being the 1st response whenever something bad happens. Thinking negatively is a practice that a person chooses to do overtime, the same way you’ve gotten better at playing the guitar or playing volleyball. I realized that the more I practiced doing it, the better I get. And this, folks, is why we should choose what we practice.

If you told me about a flying hippo with cow boobs, I would picture it in my head not because you told my brain to make sense of it, but it’s because of my curiosity and my choice to understand it (Keyword: choice). Pondering on this observation about myself made me consider “huh, maybe I do have power over what I think.” And that’s a good start.

This is how I learned that the way I choose to see my situation matters a great deal as it will ultimately influence the way I process my emotions.

When being faced in a difficult situation, thinking about positive factors is key, it’s all about changing the game. If i’m capable of thinking that things in my life are going downhill, then it means that i’m also more than capable of thinking that taking one step back isn’t as bad as it seems because there’s always an option of taking two steps forward. I just have to find the light inside the tunnel so I can see my way out of it.

“What am I thankful for?” is a good question that I started asking myself with. The answer to this question is what pulls me up from the spiral and grounds me back to the present.

An example of a problem of mine that I can tell you is how I am dealing with being an anxious 20 yr old with body and trust issues, who lives with her irresponsible father and wicked step mother, just until she finds a job despite unsuccessfully searching for one for months. Now, the game here is listing the ways to make this positive:

+2 At least I have a roof over my head and my own room with a comfortable bed to sleep on.
+1 I can always go to see my friends and sleep over on their house if I don’t feel good
+1 I don’t have to pay for any meals
+3 I’ve been consistently exercising and i’m seeing results, feeling a bit more confident about myself and
having better overall mood
+1 I graduated at a well known university in my country and have good work ethic surely someone will hire
me
+1 I would always have my aunt and my brother to support me no matter what

Total: 9 points. Four points higher than the problems that I have.

And as long as I have these positive points, there is never enough reason for me to give up. If there may be a chance that my positive points is lower than the negative ones, then it must mean that maybe I should play a little harder. And If I already won the game, why would I want to play it again?

Life is a game, my friends. Let’s learn how to have fun with it while it lasts. So tell me, what’s your score?


Hello! It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything in my blog so i’m not really sure if anyone would be reading this but I just wanted to say that i’m back! I wasn’t motivated on writing anything before since I didn’t really know what kind of direction i’m gonna go with this. But now, I think i’m starting to have a clue on what I want to say.. and i’m excited for it! I still feel a bit iffy about what i’m writing about though so let me know your thoughts.

Anyway, I wrote this when I was really feeling bad about myself and this technique that I discovered really helped me to raise my spirits up! Hopefully, it works for you as well. I would like to know about your own ways to see the brighter side too! I guess you could say that i’m new(?) . It would be nice to gain some friends here!